A Mummy Body

Today’s post doesn’t require a tissue box, (I should buy shares in Kleenex though) I promise…it’s on the lighter side and is inspired by anybody and everybody with a Mummy body, or a body that’s experienced any type of significant change or transformation. Anyone with a beautiful, brave, special body. In fact now more than ever I realise just how special our bodies are, and how important it is to love them, appreciate them and be kind to them.

Despite carrying our little Lily to just 25 weeks I feel I am still qualified to make a few comments on what it is like to have a ‘Mummy body’.

Mr T will testify that pre Lily it was (I’m trying really hard to stop this bad lady habit) too common for me to complain about this little fat bit here and there. Mind you, this has never stopped me from maintaining a healthy appetite, eating regularly or indulging in ice cream, chocolate and corn chips (some of my favourites, but not all at the same time…)

Being a Mummy has given me a new found appreciation for the body I live in, and the amazing things our bodies can achieve; not just child birth either.

Mr T will also tell you that before Lily, I was what some might say a little bit exercise crazy, there was a period there where even SeanT’s insanity didn’t cut it…what an outsider looking into our garage each morning at 5am would see (for about the last 4 years), probably resembled many people’s bad dreams. A boot camp style high intensity, sweat till you die and can’t move kind of workout…rain, hail, shine, five days a week; sore body or not.

This process has taught me, much to Mr T’s relief, that it is totally unnecessary to be training constantly as if preparing myself for an Olympic decathlon. Michelle Bridges is awesome, but so am I!

Post Lily, I have begun walking our puppy, but will admit that I am keen to do build a little bit of strength back again. Exercise has always been my stress relief and a major part of my coping strategy, so at the moment 4 laps of the park and post pregnancy speed with the dog doesn’t just quite do it. The other day when I left the hospital, I just wanted to run…as fast as I could…as far as I could…until I couldn’t go any further; I wanted to feel the burn in my legs, the tightness in my chest; to clear my head. Unfortunately though, that while my head said yes to this, my body still says a big no! I am learning to be patient though, and before long I know I’ll be able to get a bit more of a sweat up, when my lower abdomen doesn’t feel like a simple giggle requires a quick dash to the toilet or that you’ve just done the ab workout from hell.

Even though I’d like to feel a little fitter, I have a new love for the soft squishy tummy I have grown, and even though it’s mostly gone back to how it was, I kind of like it; I wouldn’t mind keeping this little bit of tummy for a little bit longer.  I think I have been partly grieving not being pregnant for as long as I was meant to be, and while I can still see a little bit of tummy left behind, it feels like I still have a tiny connection to the pregnant body I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to.

Things will change, time changes lots of things, and for me Lily has given me a new perspective on bodies, exercise and loving the bodies we have…

So, the next time I look in the mirror, I think I’ll be just a little bit kinder to myself and more importantly kinder and more understanding of those around me. Who knows what their amazing body has done for them…Probably also just a tad more likely to reach for the extra cinnamon donut I’m eyeing off on the bench.

Yep, that was tasty!

Is that a grey hair?

No not yet…but I seriously think, that if I escape and survive this NICU thing without a grey hair, extra kilo or two and a face that looks like Mrs Twit it will be a miracle. A miracle like Lily. Mr T is already going grey, so he’s all out of luck in that department, he’s lucky he’s already got good looks and a svelte figure capable of consuming large amounts of chocolate, carbs and delicious delights without consequence, so I think he’ll be ok.  Lily seems to handle her setbacks and near misses a lot better than we do, simply fixed with a good rest and a sleep afterwards. No amount of sleep at the moment could fix the permanent heavy cloud that hangs over our heads, on the other hand I have thought how nice it would be to hibernate under my doona for the next few months…and wake up when it’s all over.

Tough one this week. Lily has been having lots of trouble with her breathing, due to the infection she had when she was born. It’s made everything that extra bit harder for her. She is also developing what they call chronic lung disease (sounds terrible) because of all the ventilation and oxygen she has required over the last three weeks. The lifesaving treatment she is receiving which she cannot live without, is also causing her harm, with scar tissue beginning to form on her lungs. In this case the positives of the ventilation outweigh the negatives. Lungs however continue to grow and develop until 6-7 years of age, so it is hoped that in that period of time Lily’s lungs would be able to repair themselves and resolve any respiratory illness she faces.

I had been doing really well this week with Mr T back at work…until yesterday at the mention of this next issue. The tears welled in my eyes, and the lump in my throat came back. Poor Lily, such a long way for her to go. I just wanted to pick her up and make her better, but I can’t do either. There is no comfort in the situation, and as much as you worry, the worry doesn’t make any of it better either; what will be, will be. Just as before there are still no certainties as we watch and wait for Lily to do her thing and decide what she will do. All that is left is to believe that she knows what she is doing, and trust her to be strong.

Another reality hit me yesterday too; Lily’s journey will not be over when she comes home…the life of a micro-premmie is fragile for a long while, well into childhood. With the lung issue she is developing, she may remain on oxygen after she comes home, and cold and flu season will be horrid. Home will probably be on lock down, as any risk of infection to Lily could cause serious respiratory issues that put her back in hospital. This all seems like the worst case scenario stuff, and it is…but that is what struck me yesterday, our little girl may well have long term issues beyond NICU that I hadn’t thought of yet. I hadn’t stopped to think too much about the future, having been so focused on the present. A little naïve perhaps, but I had initially thought that once she got through her first couple of weeks, things would get easier, not harder. With her increasing size and the effects of treatments on her tiny body, the underlying problems are becoming more medically significant and apparent for her.

That was yesterday morning…little did we know Lily had other plans for yesterday too. In between me leaving at about 12:30 and our return for Daddy’s evening visit at 6. Lily had been up to mischief. She decided to dislodge her own breathing tube, causing her heart rate to drop dramatically and the tube needing to be reinserted promptly by doctors, with some extra oxygen while they reintubated her…again. That makes 3 intubations in 48 hours.

The very kind night nurse must have seen the total look of despair and defeat on our faces last night as we sat next to Lily. After only three weeks in NICU the tiredness and complete emotional and physical exhaustion has begun to set in, and I guess our faces showed it. She introduced us to the Mother and Baby in spot 1 of our bay who was born at 23 weeks. Her little girl is nearly one year old, big and strong! There is plenty of hope for Lily girl!

Having a rest from my visit this morning, and saving myself up for a visit with Jerry tonight.

Hope she’s a good girl today….please Lily, with a cherry on top?

Nearly a kilo!

Baby Steps...

Yesterday they tried to extubate Lily again to make her do more of the breathing on her own. She lasted three hours before she decided she’d had enough, when they had to put the tubes back in again. (The tubes go in her mouth all the way into her lungs). They were trying to get her to do all the breaths on her own with the cpap (groovy little mask and snorkel looking thing on her nose). Her duct is still open, so I get the feeling she won’t be ready to breath on her own until it has closed. The first round of Nurofen has not worked, so it is likely that they will do a repeat dose of Nurofen, followed by Panadol if that does not work, and failing that if required and her breathing is still tricky, they will perform a small surgery on Lily to manually close it.

After her big day yesterday she looked pooped when I visited this morning, but happily napping away, and kind enough to leave me plenty slobber and goobies to clean up. I read one of my favourites to her today…”Oh the places you’ll go!” She’s such a little trooper, and already takes everything in her stride, she’s definitely going places.

She is getting bigger, and after another weigh in today she is now 966g, she might make a kilo by the weekend! 

An interview with Lily T

Sunday Sunshine... 

A beautiful Sunday today. A home cooked breakfast at Mum & Dad’s house. Moroccan baked eggs and rhubarb & berry pudding. A visit to see Lily; and weather that made it feel like Spring was coming. Crisp and fresh, sun shining bright, with a hint of warmth and happy. It’s amazing how a bit of sunshine can change your mood. It can change your perspective and instantly makes you feel hopeful and positive. I think Lily must have felt this from her Level 5, Bay 9 house today too…she knew the sun was shining…

Lily T despite only 2 short weeks on earth has attracted the love, affection and well wishes of many friends and family (her adoring fans- already a rockstar!) More than ever before in the thoughts of many, and keeping us on our toes and making sure life is already very much all about her. Today as we entered with Grandma & Grandpa Sharp, she looked like a little piece of…... Curled up on her tummy, legs and arms tucked in neatly, she was peaceful and still (a rarity- every new doctor/nurse comments on her level of activity and movement). The calmness she exuded as she napped was soooo nice, very different to the last two days where she has constantly set off her oxygen alarms for hours on end, due to leaky tube, had a sore tummy from her milk and been put onto a different type of ventilation which delivers rapid amounts of air to her lungs to clear them of carbon dioxide (because it seems she does not want to do this for herself!). The high pressure ventilation is like a baby massage, pumping 14 breath per second into Lily, giving her chest a constant little wobble as it pumps in the air. 

I thought it would be good today to interview Miss Lily and get her thoughts on what is going in the crib...Bay 9: Place 4. After all she is definitely already a medical veteran.

Here we go:

Lily Lee Roth? Lily Van Halen?

 Good Morning Baby T, thank you for allowing us into your crib today. Please share your thoughts so far with your followers…

If you had one message to tell everybody what would it be?

Hold in there Mum and Dad. Contrary to what I look like in here, I'm just chilling out...it may be tough sometimes, but I'm actually super strong and stubborn like Mummy, so I'll get through this…just in my own time and my own way. Keep believing in me and everything will be ok. I don’t know what you are all so worried about, I’ve got this!

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I'm going to be a mover and a shaker in this world, so I'll do something that makes a difference somewhere. I'll go further and higher than Mummy and Daddy ever have and cause lots of trouble. I see myself doing something that helps others. Mummy and Daddy don’t want me to be too extreme, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I end up in some kind of humanitarian work, saving whales on the Sea Shepard, advocating for women who suffer domestic violence, or, building schools in developing countries. This will go with my courage, passion, and zest for life…

What has your stay in hospital been like so far? 

This place is ok, they feed me, change my bed, clean me, and make sure everything is ok...so not too bad really, better than a crummy hotel without heating. I'm not too fussed about all the things going on in here, there are lots of lights and sounds all through the day and night, but these have become the creature comforts I am used to. 

How is the food?

Mum's milk is yum, they don't give me enough. I'm having a break at the moment though, so that my tummy can learn to grow and digest it all a bit better. My tummy has been misbehaving, so I'll try my milk again in a day or two. That stuff is great though, can’t wait to get onto something more substantial though, you can’t get a good steak in here, and there’s no raspberry cordial either…

Do you have a favourite nurse?

I like the nurses who talk to me and say nice things when they jab me with needles and stick things up my nose. I have a very cute personality, so it's hard not to love me, but I like the nurses who tell me I'm cute too. When the nurses are annoying me I swat at them with my arms to get them to go away, I wriggle around in my bed to move my lines away (which annoys the nurses sometimes), and I jiggle around when they try to change my nappy. I prefer it dirty. I don’t know why they have to change it all the time! Grownups and cleanliness- go figure!!

What are you going to do when you get out? 

I’m going to get some lovin’ from Mum & Dad, and anyone else who will cuddle me. I can’t wait to see my new digs (they better be good), and I’ve heard Mum and Dad talk about a four legged friend at home. I hope she likes me. I’ll just poke her in the eye if she doesn’t. I can’t wait to share my smile and cute little button nose with family and friends, and look forwards to walking around the park in my snazzy new pram, all kitted out in the cute clothes people have been buying me.

How do you feel about …..Oh right sorry…

I need to keep napping in here, that’s enough for today, it’s time for Dad to read me a book again. I need to find out what happens to Grandma when George gives her the marvelous medicine. Go take your questions elsewhere…

The NICU journey

Baby Rockets and Space Stations

Before we begin, it’s nice to note all the good things Lily has done in the last 48 hours.

•          Lily has got a little heavier and passed her birth weight, now sitting at 786g…
•           Lily has perfectly functioning bowels…the poo poos have begun...

The NICU is like a space station, each baby in their own mini rocket ship, hooked up to drips, tubes and air. We have joked that Lily’s first mobile is the stainless steel, multi-prong hooks which hang above her bed and hold the medicines and fluids she is hooked up to. I don’t think she will like the cute birdies and love hearts I have made for her when she comes home…

A baby like Lily born at 25 weeks will be in the NICU until at least her due date, give or take a few days…or weeks. If you goes well she may come out a little earlier, however for each set back, infection or complication she encounters more time is added to her stay. Today is Lily’s 11^th day…it is 94 days until October 17, Lily’s original due date.

We have been told it will be hard, there will be ups and downs. I am recording the all the good things so we can look back at the good stuff Lily does when things are not going so great.

Lily's hand compared to Daddy's finger 

There have been a few tough days, even though Lily has already celebrated a full week of life and is now 26 weeks old (nearly 27). Sometimes when we go to see her my heart sinks for her, melts, shrivels up and wilts like a dead rose. The last couple of days the tubes intubating Lily to help her breath are getting too small for her, so lots of air that she would be breathing is leaking out and causing her oxygen levels to swing up and down rapidly, each over or under saturation of oxygen sets her alarm off, sometimes constantly over periods of 15minutes. I hate the alarm sound. Doctors are also treating the duct which is open in her heart with nurofen, so they will try and wait a few days to see if it closes the duct, rather than intubate her again, to avoid unnecessary trauma for Lily.

The heavy feeling in your heart is one we have become used to lately, there isn’t a moment in a day when you don’t think about Lily. You feel guilty for not being there all the time, restless when you are not with her, and irritable as you get ready to go in, as you can’t make it happen quick enough.

It is comforting as you enter the NICU; the hand sanitiser, hospital smell and warmth have become the smell of Lily that you desperately hold onto as you leave each day, and make your way back to the car park, freshness (and coldness currently) of the outdoors.

At the moment it is nice to go with Mr T, it will be harder once he goes back to work. We are much stronger when we are together. I’ve become quite dependent on Mr T, he has looked after me so well over the last 6 weeks, that it will take me a while to get used to being on my own again. I’ll have to navigate the corridors on my own, pack my lunch and remember not to forget things, I think the scariest part will be driving again, and the hospital car park…that place is crazy!

The human body is amazing at times like this…In among all the anxiety, worry, fear, stress and anger there is a surreal sense of calm with everything else happening outside of the hospital…nothing else that happens beyond Lily matters. Traffic jams, running out of muesli, even at a stretch Mr T’s nose blowing…none of it matters…just Lily!

The power of love

The first cuddle

A very special day today, my first cuddle with Lily.

Lily was stable enough today to come out of her oven and into the arms of Mummy.

Mr T did her cares (face clean to get goopies off, nappy change and temperature check) and then she was prepared for her cuddle.

Words can’t describe the incredible bond you innately seem to have with your child, it is just beautiful. I thought I would cry more, but instead felt a feeling of calm as I got to hold our gorgeous baby. I didn’t expect to be able to hold her quite so soon, and was almost a little bit scared.

As soon as her warm little body touched my skin I felt healed and Mummy like, this is what I had been waiting for…

I could feel her chest pumping, as the tubes delivered oxygen to her lungs, her tiny feet wriggling under the blanket placed on top if us, and her miniature hand wrapped itself around the tip of Mr T’s finger, as she gave it a squeeze. She opened an eye every now and then to have a peep at us, but kept fairly still. She was so calm and peaceful, dribbling all over my chest, and her oxygen dropped to 21% while we were cuddling. She was happy and coping really well!

I was able to have a long cuddle, putting her back in the oven after 2 hours. Once returned to her incubator, she was super calm, still and sleepy.

Today was a special day no doubt, and the first of many more cuddles to come hopefully. Lily is proving herself to be quite the trooper and getting stronger. Today she had gained a little of the weight she had lost after her first few days, is on reduced oxygen, the antibiotics is bringing her infection down and there have been no reports back from the lab on the fluid they collected which is a good sign.

It was just the pick me up I needed today, after feeling a little down over the last couple of days.

The power of love is strong and cannot be underestimated. We felt like a family today, safe and secure in each other’s company we sat looking at each other, lost in an aura of bliss and completely content; just Mr T, Lily and me.

A family of three, connected by a bond so strong (and quite a few tubes, drips and pipes).

That’s the power of love….

Dreams are like angels

They keep bad at bay

Love is the light

Scaring darkness away

I'm so in love with you

Make love your goal

The power of love

A force from above

Cleaning my soul

Flame on burn desire

Love with tongues of fire

Purge the soul

Make love your goal

Milking at Mrs T's house

Making Milk…

This might not be one for the boys, but it is too amusing not to share….

Less than 24 hours after Lily was born, midwives told me it was time to start expressing for Lily. I wondered how this would happen without having our little baby girl actually there. The body does amazing things though, and with a change in hormones I am now a milking machine. Not always a very reliable one, I have had mixed success in the last week, none the less, there is milk!

I think this part of the baby making journey has been nearly the most eventful, (more so than the birth and manual removal of the placenta). Initially a midwife brought to me a tiny little syringe, squeezed (really hard) and caught the tiny drops that came out those first few days. I was keen to learn this skill myself to avoid further squeezing from the midwife; so squeeze into the syringe I did for the next couple of days, until I was introduced to the expressing machine. A quick education on to how to express using the pump, and more milk! Third day in on the milk making for Lily, and I woke up feeling like some kind of barbie doll…the most rock hard lumps attached to the front of my chest I had ever felt. Besides the fact there was no bra I owned that would now fit, they were so sore! (Apparently this is when the milk is coming in…) They didn’t even look like mine, and I wondered if they would ever return to some kind of normal.

Expressing away in my hospital room as shown by my midwife (one of the really nice ones…called Robyn funnily enough) the lactation consultant arrived out of nowhere, and exclaimed that they looked terrible, and needed to be fixed…enter the help of Mr T…poor Mr T!

Lactation nurse on one, Mr T on the other, she had him massaging and squeezing to remove lumps and bumps, collecting heat packs and hot flannels. She had me worried enough to think they were about to explode off the front of my chest, or rot and die or something. This lady was extreme, way over the top and created more angst than necessary. I’ve avoided her since nearly completely and told her on one occasion that “everything was fine”, “thanks for asking”. Secretly I was really thinking back away from my chest, do not touch!!! This was pretty much it for Mr T, an amazing man by anyone’s standards, but after 5 long weeks…I nearly saw the cracks appearing that afternoon and an imminent lid flipping was near.

After crazy nurse left the room, we decided he would not need to do that…ever…ever again!

Now we are home, I have started to sort out a routine, but expressing every 2-3 hours, plus twice overnight means life is ruled by the pump. You have to mimic the feeding of the actual baby in order to keep the milk coming…so instead of Lily, I am attached to the machine permanently instead. Snuggled up cosy and tightly in bed while visions of pumping dance in my head…

All this of course is for Lily, and is about the best way I can be of help to her at the moment, and makes me feel like a real Mummy. They feed her 1ml of milk every four hours, which she is tolerating well. Breast milk contains natural antibodies and good stuff to help her along. It can help her develop better, protect her from infections and reduce her stress. Somehow the body knows that the baby has come early and makes slightly different milk to that of a full term Mum.

Three hours since the last ‘pump’ time for some more milk action….bottoms up, cheers Lily!

Perfection...at just 25 weeks

Our little miracle...Lily Grace

Lily Grace Trzeciak, the most beautiful human being I have ever seen. Proof that the best things in life come in the smallest of packages.

Turns out my cervix had other ideas and Lily could not wait a moment longer. At exactly 25 weeks she decided to enter the world in a birthing suite at Monash Hospital. Mr T and I had celebrated another week the night before with a hospital burger and chips…the next morning at about 7am, I called Mr T to tell him he had to come back…quick!

A group of at least half a dozen midwives wheeled me quickly down the corridors to the birthing suites as they were concerned little Lily might make a very quick appearance once labour began.

They suspect that I also had some type of infection in my membranes which caused the cervix to begin shortening initially, and a fever I developed throughout labour combined with increasing heart rate in Baby T seemed to confirm this. Baby T also presented with an infection after birth, which they treat with antibiotics, but further supports the infection hypothesis. They test the placenta of anyone who gives birth before 28 weeks, but we may never know why Baby T had to come so early.

I won’t give you any blow by blow details of the labour, nobody need that! I will say though, she didn’t come quickly, and I took a full 12 hours to deliver our little precious. Mr T was of course amazing, and decided that regardless of Lily’s gestation, I deserved to have a labour that was no different to any other, and made it a wonderful experience, joyful and full of love. Not bragging either, (I know she was small) but the midwife said Mr T and I made a great team and should teach antenatal classes….

We had not really had time to prepare for birth or the fact that we would be a Mummy and Daddy quite so soon. We'd missed antenatal classes, physio classes, Beer and Bubs for Jerry...

Four nights following Lily’s arrival it was time to go home…without her. It’s hard to feel like a parent when your baby girl is still in the hospital. After nine days in hospital though, I was happy to be returning home to my own bed, my own food, my husband and my puppy dog. I had been craving the return to some sort of routine or normality for a while. While we had shifted from one unknown to the other, the second half of our journey which lies ahead will hopefully become easier each and every day Lily spends in the NICU growing bigger and stronger, day by day. 

The NICU team are amazing and with nine separate bays, there are about 100 other babies in the NICU and Special Care Nursery with Lily. It is like walking into a space station, with mini babies growing in rocket ships that whir and hum and move as nurses tend to the babies 24 hours a day. Mr T and I have learnt a lot about all the new words and medical things they are doing to keep Lily safe. They go out of their way to help you bond and feel like the Mummy and Daddy. They have let us change her mini nappy, take her temperature, and taught us how to comfort her in a way that mimics the womb. They have given us special cuddle me cloths to sleep with at home and then place in her bed to keep our smell with her. They also feed her tiny amounts of my milk already, and we read stories and hum to her.

Lily has nearly completed her first week in the NICU, and is doing as the doctors ask of her. She has had many medical procedures already including brain scans, xrays, IV drips inserted, a blood transfusion, platelet transfusion, antibotics….etc….She is doing well with her oxygen and most days lately has been breathing normal room oxygen levels (about 21%). We are amazed everyday by her strength, determination and power. We are already so proud of our little girl and how remarkable she is- it is a true miracle!

It has taken us a few days to feel comfortable to share pictures of our darling. i have had mixed emotions over celebrating her arrival, but have realised i should feel proud of our little girl, and she deserves to be celebrated and shared with you all. The first few days were really hard, with lots of tears for our little girl, I have been quite emotional for the last five weeks and have struggled a little this week with feelings of guilt for not being able to complete a full pregnancy, or give Lily a more stable start to life. 

The actual experience, despite distressing at times has been a positive one. We have met so many people over the last few weeks who have shown genuine care, concern and passion for their jobs. It has restored my faith and belief that there are lots of good people in the world. It is not possible to show an amount of gratitude, thanks or appreciation for the generosity and kindness we have been given by complete strangers…that’s not even including the huge support network we have from our beautiful family and friends, who have rallied around us to make us feel loved! 

Hospital Food

Surprisingly good

Hospital food is actually very good. You could get really fat here. I can have jelly, ice cream, cheesecake, tart with lunch and dinner. You can order soft drink and juices with every meal too. A hot breakfast, hot lunch and hot dinner. Then you get morning tea with cake, afternoon tea with cake….lots and lots of food. I wonder what Michelle Bridges would think of hospital food? Jamie Oliver wouldn’t be impressed either.

I thought there’d be a few more restrictions given that I am in a health/medical institution…I guess you’re already in the best place though in case you need some kind of life saving medical treatment, because you’ve eaten too much cake and added salt and suffering a hypoglycaemic, sugar induced food coma, or worse a heart attack.

I’m not complaining, but I do tend to eat everything I am given, so I have to be careful not to order all the good stuff. I am being a little dramatic, you can choose to order a small or medium size meal, and usually there is a fresh fruit option, but who orders fruit when you can have panacotta and caramel tart?

This morning I tried the hot breakfast; grilled tomato on toast. I expected some toast with slices of tomato, I got some toast with an entire tomato (the size of your head) plonked on top. I won’t order that if I’m here next Wednesday.

There are tricks you learn from your roomies too once you have been here for more than a day, there is a special menu you can choose more things from, different to the cyclical menu, and I order the little extra treats and entrees to share with Jerry.