I haven’t posted for a while, rest assured as Lily grows so
do her demands for cuddles and kisses, food and play. Swept up in being Mummy
and wife and thinking about being a worker again in Term2. So while Mr T was
away on a buck’s weekend and Miss Lily was afternoon napping I began this post.
When I was young time always seemed to pass by so slowly, I
eagerly waited for Christmas or my birthday each year; it seemed to take
forever to arrive. As I have got older time has become quick and fleeting, and
I wish it was something there was always more of.
It is this importance of time I have learnt not to take for
granted. Lily arrived ahead of her time, and since that moment it feels like
time has sped along and brought me here; on my couch, in a new house, with only
three weeks of leave left before I return to work. I'm looking forward to work, to use my work brain again, but not looking forward to leaving little Missy, i sense tears will flow that morning.
A few weekends ago Mr T and I went out for breakfast with
Lily, and afterwards had some time to walk around the park in the sunshine and
talk. As you can imagine we don’t get much time to talk lately, and, be together
at the same time. Mr T had been worried about me (bless him), and as always,
was keen to help me out and get to the bottom of the messy emotional state I
seemed to have found myself in. As we sat in the glorious sun on the park
bench, we talked about how as time has sped along we have not had much time to
reflect on what has happened to us over the last twelve months. (Mr T is so
clever, he already had it all figured out for me, he knows me better than I
know myself now.)
Nearly a year has passed since our whirlwind trip into
parenting began, and while Lily has brought joy and love and happiness to us both; time to stop, reflect, acknowledge and process what has happened has been
missing. Our discussion led us to the very beginning of our misadventure,
worrying about our pregnancy, worrying if Lily would come early, which turned into worrying about
if she would make it, then worrying for a further 171 days at the hospital, to
worrying about her future outcomes, to worrying about how in the world we were
going to be able to look after the little munchkin at home...all by ourselves...
Finally now there is some time for reflection, I have found
over the last month I feel more human and more alive in thought. Reflection allows the
head to think and the mind to wander. Reflection allows healing; I have
unexpectedly cried at the strangest of things lately: a face book post, well-meaning
comments, a news story, Lily being amazing, Lily being naughty, the Bunnings fundraisers…Crying
before was how I coped, now I believe it is for healing. I wonder how long it lasts?
Reflection can be painful, as I now have time to relive many
of the close calls and horrible moments. The impact of these moments hits harder as I look at the beautiful thriving child I hold in my arms. As I spend more
time with her, an avalanche of love grows; bigger and bigger. One particular
day haunts me the most, triggered by sounds similar to the hospital machines or
any of the daily things I run into that remind me of Lily and her journey.
Reflection provides perspective, new thoughts, new
beginnings and distance from the past.
It’s like finally coming out of a fog or a cloud you have
been stuck in for months; most excitedly I finally have space in my head to
enjoy Lily and worry a little less about her.
So, with an appreciation for time, it’s importance and
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